“Now we are at the heart of it. You cannot confront or defeat an obstacle you cannot see.” - SLM
So admitting out loud, upon realization, what the fear was, has helped me on my way to conquering it. (Will it ever truly be conquered? I hope. If not? It’s my process.)
The lesson I have learned, which I impishly then gave to a character in the manuscript, is quoted above. It’s easier to hide.
The thing is, who loses if I don’t write? Only me. No one else will care if I don’t write. Why do that to myself? I’ve dreamed of this since I was six years old.
The other crucial realization (thanks in large part to a conversation with Tamara Siler Jones) is that only I can face my fear. Of course I know that, but isn’t it easier to look for ways other people do it? I unintentionally tried to use other writer’s processes in hope one would “click” and work easier for me. But why would someone ELSE’s process work better than my own? If this is a part of it, it’s one I can handle, as it’s mine.
As I told my writing group, I don’t know the future, after all, and whatever God has planned, He’s gonna make happen. Let’s not spit in His eye and refuse to use our gifts because we’re *scared*. Surely as He cares for the sparrow, how much more will He care for me, His daughter? (Luke 12)
When I stepped back and looked at the fear, I could see it clearly. What was holding me back? Nothing but myself. Fear is a mental construct (sometimes good, other times not). If I wrote, the sky wouldn’t fall. I wouldn’t become a leper. If I wrote, I might still never be published. So what? Is that why I’m doing this?
I had to reach deep inside myself. I already linked Lili Saintcrow’s reply to me, and I think that this fear and breaking through it is my gestation and illumination.
I’ve written 3.5 new pages. Not exactly the large quantity I need for MayNoWriMo, but the last lesson I learned: Better to write one page a day for three hundred days than a hundred pages in a week and never finish. I placed way too much emphasis on word count because if I wrote fast, I didn’t have to think about it; I didn’t have to dig deep and connect. The fear has been goading me all along. Screw that.
Lili said to get used to being scared. She’s right. Fear has more than one form. Instead of a paralyzing fear, I can keep writing and feel a tight, roller-coaster sense of excitement and exhileration. Still fear, and as I’m about to go around a loop, I hope I don’t fall out of the car. But if I didn’t get on the coaster, I’d never know if I made it to the end, and worse than this fear thing? The loss of never trying. If I fall, I can get back up. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll make it through the loops.
What I find most interesting about this is I was expecting a Eureka about the story. Character sketch sheets really helped me figure out the story and add depth I was sorely lacking, and it’s always about the story. Imagine a realization about ME. I’m not used to it, but I think it’s better this way. I’m all about self-awareness.
Inspiring post Jess, may I call you Jess?
I think if more people were self-aware there might not be as many problems in the world. Good luck to you and I hope your progress continues to go smoothly.
I’ve gotten over it, at least with wrt writing.
But I don’t recommend my method for everybody. I’m afraid more of not doing as well as I’d like in my undergrad than I am of not finish/publishing my fiction. It’s all relative, you know.